I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It was confusing and full of hummus
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
This is classic penis vs brain.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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