remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
