i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
