I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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