Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
