I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
