SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
What a dumb baby whore.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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