I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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