How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
