I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
