i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You've changed since you got that strap on
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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