I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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