I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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