wrigley field is MILF paradise
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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