Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Pants are for mortals
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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