Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I smell stomach acid.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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