Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
