i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
