This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
