i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
