Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
