She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
