I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
