There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
