Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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