someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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