dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
