I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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