just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
