Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
is it fun? or sober?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
