I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
