The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
