I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
