Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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