Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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