enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
