I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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