but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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