I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
