Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
be right there i have to get my cape
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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