Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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