I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
