Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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