I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
