I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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