you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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