You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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