I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
