if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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