I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
