proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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