I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
